Warning This video contains spoilers for The Last Church by Graham Mcneil. It is recomended you read or listen to it before going on. If not,you might miss out on important information like the color of Uriah's pants or whatever.Thank you!(female voice)
DENIZENS OF THE IMPERIAL PALACE AND BEYOND.
THIS VOXCAST PUBLICAE IS DESIGNATED ALPHA-PRIORIS.
CONTINUE YOUR OPERATIONS BUT LISTEN WELL TO THIS VERY IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT.
+++ THOUGHT FOR THE DAY USE YOUR TWO EMPEROR-GIVEN EARS TO LISTEN. TO LISTEN USING ANY OTHER ORGAN IS HERESY. +++
(Cue everone except Big-E)
Overlord Overlord,that works
(Various noises from the other 2 nudestodes)
Greetings,Citizens! Welcome to this voxcast publicae, broadcast through vox-link for the 10 billion indentured servants in and around the phallic majesty of the imperial palace. This voxcast is brought to you by the Cult Mechanicus of Mars, The adminstratum, the adeptus astra telepathica, as well as the Emperor's Ten Thousand, the Adeptus Custodes.one of whom is i.
Aswell as i. Salutations to you, loyal emperor-lovers across the entire imperium. It is an honour to be here, speaking directly to you in the name of our glorious overlord.
Greetings. I, too, am among the rank and file of the emperor's personal guard, a pleasure as always, dear listeners.
I am not. I am an Imperial Fist. My wall-name is Adorable, and you shall refer to me as such.
Still dont entirely get why but as you wish, lord Adorable.
Amongst us is also our vox-hailer serf, whom we have named Boy. Say hello, Boy.
um...hi? I'm the vox-hailer serf. I hold the vox-hailer. That's my purpose...
Did you really have to introduce that thing? It's just here to hold that vox-hailer.
(Boy Whimper)
Anyone ever notice how pale the Boy is?
Yes, if we poured oil on him, his flourescent skin would probably make a good night light
why this...
We are to enter the Sanctum Imperialis now, in which our father, the emperor of mnkind, resides upon his throne. We shall then speak to him about a peculiar record that his custodians unearthed during an operation into a so-called "clown library".
[Primal Fear] Clown library..
Do you mean a library that is a clown? Or a library about clowns?
I DONT' NEED TO EXPLAIN ANYTHING ABOUT IT!
Lord Adornable, please do not press him further.
Oh. Just like the record called "The Hunt for Voldorius" that we covered in our last voxcast, the events recorded within the pages of this tome are so specific, that it is almost as if it was written by some creature of omnipotent knowledge. The only mn i can imagine having written it would be the emperor himself, but if not, i can probably speak for all of us when i say that we quite honestly would be TERRIBLY confused about its origins.
I am, for whatever reason, barely up to speed with these recents events; but if we are going to speak to our emperor, i am on it like a space wolf smelling the scent of dust!
Ohh yes brother, it is high time we meet our emperor! Listeners, you can just sit back, relax, grab a bag of foam and actually nevermind, go back to working you lazy knucks, you shall only listen to this for the purpose of expanding work morale and attaining some context for why you still get to lead your sterile, unfabulous lives especially after that whole rogue inquisition fiasco, by Valdor's viper, ugh.
Stop yelling at our citizenry, Tribune. They may lead awful lives, but the least they deserve is due respect for fulfilling their purpose.
I cannot hear you, Adorable, I am opening the gaaaate!
Hmph. Come, boy. Let us enter the Sanctum together.
(gasping) t-together? y-y-y-yes, of course, i will..keep up..
I believe in you, Boy. You can do this.
m-my legs..were not made...for running..
Could you stop breathing, serf? Your mere prescence is drastically decreasing the quality of our voxcast!
i can't..help it...
We should look into getting some cybernetic replacements for those lungs of his.Would probbly quiet him down.
Master lord emperor man!
HUH? WHAT?
How are you DOING, my glorious overlord?
[overly enthusiastic sitting down sound]
ALOT WORSE NOW THAT YOU ARE HERE.WHY HAVE YOU COME?
Pardon our harsh and sudden intrustion my master, we should have lubricated your person with knowledge of our entrance in beforehand
YOU ARE THE ABSOLUTE WORST. WHY DO YOU MAKE YOUR PRESENCE KNOWN TO ME IN MY TIME OF MENDING. I AM CURRENTLY RESTING MY BROKEN PSYCHE BUT THE TRANQUILITY REQUIRED TO DO SO IS GETTING SMASHED ALMOST HALF AS BADLY AS YOUR HINDQUARTERS EVERY BLOOD GAMES PRACTICE
We feel some information we have discovered may be relevant to your interests!
IF YOU GIVE ME THIS INFORMATION WITHOUT A SINGULAR TERRIBLE INNUENDO I MAY CONSIDER LISTENING TO YOU
Oh certaintly! You see, i was thrusting forth through the bowels of that clown library
AS ONE OF THE TEN THOUSAND YOU COULD POSSIBLY BE MY BIGGEST FAILURE AND YOU ARE LIVING PROOF THAT EUGENICS DOES NOT WORK.
Hot Damn. I am starting to see why that priest threw himself into the fire.
(PAUSE FROM BIG-E)
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Manners brother, you are speaking to our emperor!
Excuse me, i was getting to that, my king. I was reluctantly sliding around the hallways of the library when i came across a section containing loads upon loads of imperial ejacul*ture.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT YOU f*ckING[REDACTED] OILEPHANT, OW f*ck[REDACTED] MY EARS. WHY IN THE f*ck[RECATED] IS BOY AND THE VOX HAILER HERE.
(panic attack)
We are broadcasting this conversation, father. We are doing a second voxcast.
(Crying) i'm so sorryhyhyy...
If you wish me to remove him, i can break his neck and throw him out the window, my emperor!
(panicing boy)
NO NEED FOR MORE OF BOY'S INSIDES COVERING MY GLEAMING FLOORS. BUT WHY DID YOU NOT TELL ME ABOUT THIS STUPID VOXCAST EARLIER. MY PSYCHE IS NOT PREPARED FOR THIS HORRID A TASK.
We figured that since you are in perpetual pain, the harrowing distress of suddenly being forced into an uncomfortable situation with billions of people listening would soon dissipate into the sea of agonry you are experiencing every second.
ALRIGHT. I GET IT, NO NEED TO RUB IT IN YOU MUTTON-CHOPPED YELLOW-JACKET.
Rubbing things in is not my job. You have your custodians for that.
(aroused snickering from all 3)
Ohhh YEEEESSSS
SHUT UP AND CLARIFY WHY YOU DECIDED THIS NEEDED TO BE BROADCAST.
As we were saying sir, we found a section of the clown library filled with stories similar to that of the "Hunt for Voldorius" record that we covered last time. Dozens of written anecdotes containing such insight that it couldn't possibly have been recorded and written by an external figure yet, it seems likely they were! Sometimes these records are told from a first-person perspective, sometimes from a second or a third, but they all detail events of Imperial history to an extremely incisive and honestly uncanny degree!
HOW DO YOU KNOW THESE RECORDS WERE NOT WRITTEN BY THE ONES TO HAVE EXPERIENCED THESE EVENTS.
Well, this could perhaps be the case but if so, may i ask, have you ever written a story called "The last Church" under the alias of Graham Mcneil.
NO
Oh.
Huh. Most interesting.
This is surprising.
If that is the case, there is some form of mischief going on.
THIS WOULD CERTAINLY SOUND ALL KINDS OF RIVETING IF IT WERE NOT FOR THAT PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE REFERENCE YOU MADE ABOUT THE PRIEST AND FIRE. TELL ME THE CONTEXT OF THIS BEFORE I DEVISE MANHOLES IN THE THRONE ROOM FLOOR BY SMASHING YOU THROUGH IT.
We shall. We shall, my master. You see, our minds have been swallwoed whole by this peculiar record. We have been lounging in its balmy insides and probed it of all it's little secrets.
YOU ARE THE WORST. GET TO THE POINT.
This record is called Tales of Heresy.It claims to feature events recoded by peculiar figures such as Dan Abnett, Gav Thorpe, Graham Mcneil, and James Swallow. Among'st others.
For no doubt being carried by Eldar chroniclers, these are highly peculiar names. Well ,except the last one [snicker].
IS IT JUST ME OR DOES THE COVER OF THAT RECORD HAVE ANGRON ON IT?
It would seem so,yes.
WOW. THE HIGHEST FORM OF IRONY IS THAT I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN HE NEVER EVER CARED FOR THE ACT OF READING. OR HOW LETTERS FUNCTION. OR HOW TO HOLD THINGS THAT CANNOT HANDLE GRIP-PRESSURE OF 2000kg/cm^2/
He instead highly enjoyed watching sitcoms.
NEVERTHELESS, WHAT DOES THIS RECORD HAVE TO DO WITH THE MARTYRED PRIEST? I GROW TIRED OF YOU PROLONGING THIS.
Fine. We want you to read this tome from page 275 and onwards.
THROW IT AT ME.
Oh. As you wish my emperor, you ready?
ALWAYS.
(Throw+reading)
Is he just flicking through it?
No. He is just reading it.
i wish i knew how t' read.
Quiet serf, no one cares.
pleasedonthitme
DONE.
That was...really fast.
OF COURSE IT WAS. I AM THE MOTHERBOOPING EMPEROR
Ultra-rapid read-through.
That is a funny reference.
I don't get it.
Thank you, lord Adorable.
I don't get it.
SO YOU WANT TO HAVE THIS, A VERY PRIVATE AND PERSONAL MEETING BETWEEN ME AND THE LAST PRIEST, MADE PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE.
The record is a good example of the Imperial Truth put into action. It also allows us to shed some much-needed light on the Age of Strife and how you came to be the emperor of mnkind.
PEOPLE REALLY SHOULD JUST KNOW THIS ALREADY. I CANNOT EXPRESS TO YOU LOT HOW FRUSTATING IT IS THAT I MUST WASTE MY TIME REITERATING THE EVENTS OF THE PAST 10 MILLENIA.
Boy, do you know what the Age of Strife is?
no...
Allow me to explain. Sit on my lap, there is much room, no need for you to stand, Boy.
o-ohh...I-i-i kinda like this...
I don't get it.
Tribune. Switch this to a new segment.
AS you wish, Lord Adornable.
[THE LAST CHURCH - SETTING]
issit story-time?
Very good. I shall tell you the tale of the Age of Strife as told by my father to me. And you listeners, shall ,too , hear the tale. It shall provide context for the record we are about to cover, for the events of "The Last Church" by Graham Mcneil takes place towards the tail-end of the Age of Strife which you might also know as Old Night. It was the WORST time to be a hmane on Terra, or earth, as it was known as at the time. Before the Age of Strife, hmanity had reached the pinnacle of its progress in the fields of science and technology during the Age of Technology. As hmanity conquered thousands of planets throughout the Milky Way Galaxy, prospering for millenia,this era of expansion suddenly came to an end all too soon. A huge influx of mortals started developing psychic powers, becoming what is known as Psykers.
IT HAD TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER. BUT THIS WAS AN ABSOLUTELY ATROCIOUS TIME FOR THESE SYMPTOMS TO START CROPPING UP. WITH THIS SUDDEN INFLUX OF PSYKERS, A CORROSIVE WAVE OF INSANITY, POSSESSION, AND WARP STORMS CAME WITH IT, MAKING SPACE TRAVEL PRACTICALLY IMPOSSIBLE. EVERY PLANET FUNCTIONED ESSENTIALLY AS A KIND OF VOID NET, PULLING SHIPS OUT OF THE WARP AND STRAIGHT INTO HELL. THIS ISOLATED THE SETTLED PLANETS FROM ONE ANOTHER FOR MILLENIA TO COME. GIVING MASSIVE LEEWAY FOR A THOUSAND HAUGHTY POCKET EMPIRES TO FORM, CAUSING AN AGE OF SEGREGATION AMONGST MNKIND THE LIKES OF WHICH HAS NEVER BEEN SEEN SINCE.
Not only that, but during M23,the technology that mnkind had revered during the Age of Technology turned as abominable intelligences called the "Men of Iren" rebelled against hmanity in a cybernetic revolt huge wars spawning across all hman worlds, starting what you might call the Mechaniclysm.
THE WARS OF THE MACHINE WERE A MASSIVE HASSLE TO DEAL WITH, ESPECIALLY IN COMBINATION WITH THE PSYKER HYSTERIA THAT STARTED CROPPING UP AROUND M22. THIS STATE OF CONFLICT WENT POORLY FOR TERRA. IT WAS COMPLETELY ISOLATED BY A HUGE INRUSH OF WARP STORMS, AS USAGE OF WARP-SPACE TO TRAVEL FASTER THAN LIGHT BECAME DANGEROUS AND EVENTUALLY AN IMPOSSIBILITY. AND WITH TERRA'S OVERRELIANCE ON TECHNOLOGY TO SURVIVE IN THE FIRST PLACE, THIS ANARCHY PROOVED TOO MUCH FOR ITS INHABITANTS AS THEY SPIRALLED INTO BARBARISM,SUPERSTITION AND WANTON SLAUGHTER. TERRA'S FEEBLE GOVERNMENTS EVENTUALLY BROKE DOWN COMPLETELY AS THE PLANET BECAME NAUGHT BUT A MASSIVE BATTLEFIELD FOR TECHNO-BARBARIAN WARLORDS. TERRA'S FEEBLE GOVERNMENTS EVENTUALLY BROKE DOWN COMPLETELY AS THE PLANET BECAME NAUGHT BUT A MASSIVE BATTLEFIELD FOR TECHNOBARBARIAN WARLORDS.
Thank you, father. But during this horrible time, there was yet hope. A great Warlord stepped forth and started conquering the lands of Terra with extreme efficiency. This Warlord became known simply as the emperor.
IT'S YA BOI.
Our emperor, together with his army of genetically modified warriors, the Thunder Warriors, predecessors of the Space Marines, started the Unification Wars conquering the lands of Terra. The emperor fought and won these wars, and with mnkind's new master made clear to the people of Terra, the story in question takes place between the end of the Age of Strife, and the beginning of the Age of the Imperium.
THAT IS A NICE AND TIGHT PACKET OF INFORMATION CONCERNING THE EARLY HISTORY OF MNKIND.
What did you think of this story, Boy?
we do not deserve our empor! He is too great for us unworthy peoples..
THAT IS CORRECT. YOU ARE A GOOD BOY, BOY.
thank you, my lord…
Hmph Brown noser.
Now, perhaps we should make a quick synopsis of the record in-and-of-itself.
I'd appreciate that. I have not even read the book. Not that I tend to read books, that's for serfs and lexmechanics.
PROVIDE A SYNOPSIS FOR THIS FULL GROWN MILLENIA-OLD MAN WHO CANNOT READ.
I mean..i can..read..
Do not worry your flowing locks, brother mine! The record exists in audio-format too.
Just..just..go ahead with the synopsis.
Most smashing.
[THE LAST CHURCH- SUMMARY]
The last church introduces us to Uriah Olathaire, the priest and guardian of the church of the lightning stone which is the titular last church on Terra. He reminisces about how popular his church was once upon a time, his midnight
CHURCH SUCKS OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
his uhh…, midnight service drawing in loads of people due to the frightening wars of the outside world. Now, it is not as popular as it once was. The church is empty, and he is alone. But not for long. As the old priest awaits his congregation in his lonesomeness, a single mn enters his church. A stranger calling himself "Revelation".
IT's YA BOI. AGAIN.
Myes, that's it for the oh-so spoiler-free synopsis.
So..wait..is Revelation our glorious overlord?!
I JUST SAID THAT BUT A MOMENT AGO, SO WAY TO GO, YOU FIGURED IT OUT, TOOK YOU ABOUT 5 HOURS LESS THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
Thank you most graciously, my lord.
Shall we go ahead and let loose our thoughts about the story, my master?
SURE. LET US GET TO THE NITTY GRITTY OF WHAT HAPPENS BETWEEN US AND THE CHURCH.
All right, let us go.
[THE LAST CHURCH – REVIEW]
So, this is the time when I can inform you that this is not an event typical of those recorded in that clown library. These records have a tendancy to contain at least one, often more, combat segments presented in incredibly grandiose fashions.
NOT A SURPRISE CONSIDERING THE STATE OF THE GALAXY AT LARGE.
A fine observation my emperor.
But this record is an exception! It is simply a dialogue between two people. A religious man of simple mind, led to his belief by personal experience, and a staunch unbeliever wielding cold logic as his weapon, yet is also laden with arrogance and prejudice.
WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME YOU FLACCID CRETIN.
Oh!
Yes, how DARE you even think of articulating such, uh, noncorrect thoughts.
I am sorry, my lord.
Honestly, he's just stating the truth.
That is TOTALLY not so!
Cmon, as we established, you can't even read so how would you know?
I CAN READ.
Oh sure you can, cause you are such a nerd!
NO NO. Stop this humiliation immediately.
Stroll along and lick your wounds while I continue.
I'll lick YOUR FACE!
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SHUT UP RIGHT NOW AND MOVE ON.
The arrogance and prejudiced carried by "Revelation", something his followers like my brother over here would have a hard time swallowing, is established as harshly as can be only a few words into their dialogue, when "Revelation" calls Uriah's "kind" dour and leaden-hearted, having assumed him to be of the very same nature. And this is only one of the many, many up-and-coming arguments Revelation slams the poor priest's aged rear with throughout this recorded event.
HIS AGED MIND REQUIRED IT'S MEDICINE, BUT HE INSENSIBLY REFUSTED IT UPFRONT. EVEN WITH LIMITED SPACE, AND UNYIELDING STUBORNNESS, AND QUITE FRANKLY, A WHOLE LOT OF CRAP PLUGGING IT UP. THE MEDICINE HAD TO GET IN SOMEHOW.
Who's pulling innuendos out the endo now?
YOUR ENDO IS NEAR IF YOU DO NOT CEASE, VERMIN.
Yea, just stop being a jerk.
(hehehe) as I was about to say though, "Revelation"'s vindictive attitude, especially towards priests and religions in general, is made clear very fast, and Uriah proceeds to defend his belief as best he can as their arguments flares up. But he is no theologian, he is simply a man of faith. So his worldview is slowly and painfully deconstructed by this strange man for reasons eventually made clear. A no doubt immensely interesting dialogue, one that sheds light on the Imperium's early history and the character of our emperor, but a painfully one-sided conversation, it has to be said.
TAKE HEED LISTENERS, FOR THESE ARE THE FACTS. THE IMPERIUM OF MN IS FOUNDED ON THE IMPERIAL TRUTH. THIS IS THE VERDICT THAT ALL FAITHS AND BELIEFS IN THE SUPERNATURAL ARE TO BE GOTTEN RID OFF. THIS WAS AN INTEGRAL PART OF THE UNIFICATION WARS AS WELL AS THE GREAT CRUSADE THAT I LATER STARTED RECONQUERING THE PLANETS OF THE MILKY WAY GALAXY MUCH LIKE I HAD CONQUERED THE COUNTRIES OF TERRA. THIS RECORD PROBABLY HAS ONE OF THE BEST DEMONSTRATIONS FOR HOW THE IMPERIAL TRUTH FUNCTIONS ON A THEORETICAL AND PRACTICAL LEVEL. URIAH OLATHAIRE AND HIS CRAGGY OLD CHURCH SERVING AS THE PERFECT REPRESENTATION OF ALL WHOM REJECTED THE NEW IMPERIUM.
It was the imperial truth that brought this imperium to it's height! Without it, all that would remain of you would be your ancestors' festering corpses, so SHUT UP BOY!
w-w-what?
YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT WRONG. THIS IS NOT A CASE OF ARROGANCE. IT IS A CASE OF ME BEING RIGHT VERSUS MNKIND RIPPING OUT ITS OWN INNARDS IN WILLFUL WRONGNESS.
ehhh…Allright. Time for the 'real talk'. Sir, while I adore you like none other, while I would give my life to save your's in but an instant, while I would serve you for an eternity and more, while I am thankful for your graceful masterdom of our undeserving species.. i have to admit that you are kind of an asshole.
(Cue shock for all)
OH.
W-WHAT? You DARE?! YOU ACTUALLY DARE?!
YOU MADMAN!
I mean, all right, listen, the Age of Strife was quite awful for everyone alive at the time, and the religions of old no doubt penetrated the veil of morality more than enough to warrant not existing anymore, there is no denying that. Buuuuuuuut….Come on now.
ARE YOU SOME SPECK OF A MIDDLE MAN, OF ALL CREATURES IN EXISTENCE, REALLY CRITICIZING ME RIGHT NOW?
I have to agree that your actions were redundant, father. All in all, what you did is you entered that church to have a heated argument with a harmless old mortal.
Exactly my point! He was harmless!
QUIET.
He was 80 years old!
SHUT UP.
He was tired and lonesome!
SHUT YOUR STUPID MOUTH.
His only company was a rock and a doomsday clock!
I WILL SEW YOUR TITPLATES TO YOUR SKULL.
I am surprised he did not die of liver failure in the midst of your argument!
(CUE BIG-E DISSAPEARING, ENTER THE EMPRAH'S TRUE SELF HOLY sh*t RUN FOR THE HILLS)
CEASE THE VIBRATIONS OF YOUR VOCAL CHORDS IMMEDIATELY
BEFORE I EXPAND THEIR MASS AND MAKE YOU CHOKE ON THEM.
(warning signs heard around)
Choking is a function I have long since transcended.
(EMPRAH MODE IS GONE, BACK TO BIG-E)
DO YOU NOT THINK I HAVE ARGUED WITH COUNTLESS PREACHERS OF ALL DIFFERENT DOCTRINES? FOR THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT I DID DURING THOSE TIMES. THEY ALL EITHER FELL INTO MY RANKS OR ONTO THEIR POLISHED MARBLE FLOORS. WHAT MAKES YOU BELIEVE URIAH OLATHAIRE WAS TO BE TREATED DIFFERENTLY?
I cannot rightly say. There is just something very deep inside me in my very core, telling me that… That you were kind of an asshole.
He-he..he…sdfsdf….He just keeps on going.
I WILL HUMOUR YOU. WHICH ONE OF MY ACTIONS DURING THE COURSE OF THIS RECORD WOULD YOU CALL ASSHOLE-ISH.
Well, First off, you assumed him to be dour and leaden-hearted like, as you said, all priestly folk are. Those were amongs't your first words to him.
PRIESTS ARE PREJUDICED BY NATURE. I DO NOT SEE WHY I SHOULD NOT RETURN THE FAVOUR IN KIND.
THAT is kind of an asshole thing to assume.
HOLY BALLS! All right, this is HIGHLY unorthodox!
(chuckling)
Would you like me to throw HIM out the window, my lord?
NO YOU TRIPLE-STRENGTH PROPHYLACTIC. MUCH AS IT IS UNUSUAL FOR ME TO SAY THIS, I NEED HIS INPUT SO I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW HE, OF ALL SENTIENT LIFEFORMS, HAS THE GALL TO CURRENTLY BE CRITICIZING ME.
Well..while I do not wish to strap on the thong of the daemon's advocate quite as tightly as my brother here uh…You never told Ecclesiarch Decius he was dour and leaden-hearted. He and his erogenous dongtop are honestly pretty useful, and I am certain you agree, considering you are still keeping them around and all…
JUST LIKE URIAH, I GAVE HIM A SECOND CHANCE. BUT UNLIKE URIAH, DECIUS DID NOT DECIDE TO THROW A FIT RIGHT INTO AN INFERNO.
I think that might be because you didn't decide to light the Ecclesiarchal Palace on fire after converting him.
THAT WOULD BE INCREDIBLY WASTEFUL. THE ECCLESIARCHAL PALACE AND ALL CATHEDRALS THAT ONCE HOUSED THAT WRETCHED IMPERIAL CULT IS TO BE DEDICATED TO THE GALACTICAL ESTABLISHMENT OF THE NEW IMPERIAL TRUTH AS WELL AS THE WORSHIP OF MNKIND AS A WHOLE.
Why did you not repurpose the Church of the lightning stone in a similar manner? By the time your Thunder Warriors lit the church on fire, the old priest had been converted. You had already convinced him that his religion was nothing but falsehoods.
AS I SAID, SOME THINGS SUCH AS OLD CHURCHES ARE BETTER LEFT FORGOTTEN.
Guilliman would probably fight you on that. He likes his old cultural vestiges.
I WOULD BRUTALLY SPANK HIS BEHIND AS BLUE AS HIS LIVERY IF HE DID.
Right on!
lewd…
NO.
Besides! Some old stone-church would've had to make way for the factorums and scriptorums eventually anyway! No need to covert such pointless history when we can favour progress instead.!
Oh, how soon we forget. "Ignorance Damns Progress." That is what our glorious overlord said last voxcast. I cannot help but feel that forcing this old church into the void of the forgotten is to deliberately enforce ignorance.
I wasn't in the last voxcast, so I didn't even hear him say that.
WE ARE CURRENTLY BRINGING THIS OH-SO-FORGOTTEN VESTIGE OF CULTURAL HISTORY, THAT YOU ARE ATTEMPTING TO DEFEND, UP OPENLY IN A VOXCAST PUBLICAE. IT WAS A DIFFERENT TIME AND DIFFERENT ACTIONS HAD TO BE TAKEN FOR PROGRESS TO OCCUR. SO YOU GO EAT YOUR EMPTY-HEADED CHURCH-SYMPHATIZING BLATHER BETWEEN TWO LOAFS OF DUMB AND WRONG WHILE I REMAIN IN THE RIGHT AS I ALWAYS DO.
So you would NOT burn this church down if it happened to exist today?
I WOULD. BUT I WOULD NOT HAVE PEOPLE FORGET IT. I WOULD INSTEAD MAKE IT AN EXAMPLE TO ALL OF WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU INSULT ME BY INSISTING ON BUILDING SOME SCRAGGLY DAMN CULT-SHACK ON MY PLANET.
Aw yeah! Burn it! Burn it! Burn it all down! Burn it all down! BURN IT ALL DOWN! YEAAAAH!
It is quite the vendetta you carry. Nevertheless, I have a second point to make.
Oh PLEASE.
NO, GO RIGHT AHEAD. I AM READY TO THROUGHLY DEBUNK AND VICIOUSLY MURDER EACH STUPID POINT YOU BRING UP AGAINST ME.
The second instance of 'asshole-ishness' that really stood out to me was when you told of the atrocities his religions had wrought in the days of old. Like those holy men who killed a bunch of people while, well, for the lack of better term, crusading.
YES. HIS RELIGION WAS AWFUL, BARBARIC NONSENSE INFLUENCED BY THE GODS OF CHOAS. WHAT OF IT?
Weeeeelll. I just could not help but feel like your hypocrisy reached some form of climax when you told him the difference between the old crusades and YOUR crusade.
THE DIFFERENCE IS I KNOW I AM RIGHT.
A perfect retort, my glorious overlord! You are right! Always! All the time! Shut up boy!
ididntsayanything
WHY DID YOU BRING THAT UP, BUTLERBOY? ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO CHALLENGE ME ON THIS?
Nnnnnnnnnnoooooo… Perhaps not. But I AM going to ask you why you did not just use your divine charisma upon his simple, mortal mind to convince him YOUR crusade was justified. That way, he would have followed you no matter what!
I DID NOT WISH FOR HIM TO FOLLOW ME BLINDLY LIKE HE HAD DONE HIS FALSE GOD. I WANTED HIM TO MAKE THE CONSCIOUS, FREE CHOICE OF FOLLOWING ME.
Myyesss… In that case, you could have at least pitched the idea of humanity conquering the stars to him a bit better. I mean, if you did not mention the whole 'crusade' thing and told him he would get first-class seats on the Bucephelus as it travelled across the solar system for the first time then maybe he would have followed you. He was clearly a traveler at heart, and spending his last days travelling new frontier would have surely given him the peace he sought.
Maybe you could have thrown in some liquor in the deal aswell, I dunno
ARE YOU SUGGESTING I SHOULD HAVE GIVEN THIS PRIVELAGE TO ALL PREACHERS OF TERRA? CAUSE SON, LET ME TELL YOU HOW LOGISTICALLY SCREWED THAT SUGGESTION IS AND HOW LOGISTICALLY VACANT YOUR FLOPPING SKULL IS.
*chuckling* No, no, just the ones you kind of liked I guess. The ones with potential.
I DO NOT FOLLOW.
*snickering* To be quite honest, you and Uriah got pretty friendly at times It was actually quite cute, and I'd totally ship that ship if it hadn't sunk already.
Whaaaaat? Noooooo.
WELL, TO BE FAIR, YES, HE WAS ADMITTEDLY ALL-IN-ALL RATHER PLEASANT FOR A PRIEST. AND HE GAVE ME FREE LIQUOR.
The only spirit you will ever believe in , ey?
MY SECOND SECRET PROJECT HAS ALWAYS BEEN TO AWAKEN THE IMMATERIAL GOD OF ALCOHOLIC SPIRITS. I WOULD BE AMONGST ITS MOST FERVENT FOLLOWERS.
(cue silence cause no one knows if real or trolling)
I cannot tell if this is some kind of joke.
what's an alcohol?
ALAS, I CANNOT DENY THAT THE NOVELTY OF HAVING THE LAST PRIEST OF THE LAST CHURCH OF TERRA JOIN MY NEWLY FOUNDED SECULAR IMPERIUM WOULD HAVE BEEN GRATIFYING. IF I HAD SPOKEN TO HIM MORE THAN ONCE PRIOR TO HIS BRAINWASHING, I AM SURE HIS STATUE WOULD BE MOUNTED SOMEWHERE HERE ON TERRA.
(Cue Dino Techpriest who conveys directly to the Omnissiah)
HELLO?
it's death come to take me!
HELLO?
Oh good. Yes. Death, take boy!
HELLO?
Calm down, Boy. It is only a deranged techpriest.
HELLO?
UH. WHAT DO YOU WANT?
HELLO?
Why does he have a saurian for a face?
From where did this creature emerge?
I recognize this priest.
HELLO?
He is supposed to be looking for my bike.
HELLO?HELLO?HELLO?HELLO?HELLO?HELLO?HELLO? A humble collector of knowledge may be beseeching your word? Would you believe I may have read this story through the pict feeds of your Custodians' helmets? Would it be possible to now ask an obnoxious amount of questions about it?
YOU ARE A CREEP BUT OK.
(cue boy scared)
[THE LAST CHURCH – TRIVIA TIME]
May I commence questionnaire protocol 0001 now?
YES.
What is An Europa?
IT IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE OCEAN-MOON OF JUPITER, IT IS A TERRAN CONTINENT. IT WAS CALLED EUROPE BEFORE BUT IT IS THE FUTURE NOW.
I thought that was an ancient Phoenician woman
I thought it was a band.
What about Isandula Verona? What is that?
ISANDULA VERONA WAS AN ARTIST WHO LIVED ABOUT 11,000 YEARS AGO. SHE TOOK COMMISSIONS TO PAINT FRESCOS, SUCH AS THE ONE ON THE CEILING OF THE CHURCH OF THE LIGHTNING STONE. FOUR OF HER WORKS MENTIONED IN THE RECORD ARE THE FOLLOWING. NUMBER 1 NUDE FIGURES DISPORTING IN A MAGICAL GARDEN;NUMBER 2 THE EXPLOSION OF STARS;NUMBER 3 THE BATTLE BETWEEN A GOLDEN KNIGHT AND A SILVER DRAGON. AND NUMBER 4 A WONDOROUS BEING OF LIGHT SURROUNDED BY A HALO OF MACHINERY. THE FIRST ONE IS A REFERENCE TO AN ARCHAIC BOOK WHICH SPOKE OF THE FIRST TWO HMANS TO EVER EXIST. BOTH OF WHOM LIVED IN A MAGICAL GARDEN WHERE ANIMALS TALKED AND EVERYTHING WAS A TRIP.
That is dumb. Did you read it out of the book of the Astronomican?
YOU SHUT YOUR FACE, THE BOOK OF THE ASTRONOMICAN IS A TREASURE
Hmph.
MOVING ON, THE SECOND PAINTING IS MORE OR LESS A HILAROUS JAPE ON THE PRIEST'S EXPENSE, AS IT WAS AN ARTISTIC REPRESENTATION OF THE BIG BANG.I DO NOT QUITE REMEMBER IF IT WAS ISANDULA HERSELF SCREWING AROUND OR IF IT WAS DUE TO SOME SO CALLED "DIVINE INSPIRATION". BUT HAVING A CHURCH DECORATED WITH A SECULAR TRUTH CONCERNING THE ORIGINS OF EXISTENCE, AS OPPOSED TO ONE OF DIVINE CREATION, IS AN INSANELY GREAT PRANK.
Does sound like something you would do.
Boy, do you know what the Big Bang is?
sounds really…lewd…
(Nudestodes Snickering)
Wow, you know what, it actually does.
ARE YOU SERIOUS RIGHT NOW. I WAS WARMING UP TO BOY. BUT NOW YOU ARE TURNING HIM TO YOUR SIDE.
(Boy whimper)
It was a widely accepted cosmological model for our universe, telling us that all that is began as a single miniscule cluster of energy, which then expanded rapidly to the size it is today in a fashion akin to that of an explosion. A bang that is big.
HOW ANYONE IN MY IMPERIUM DOES NOT KNOW THIS MAKES ME LOSE SO MUCH HOPE FOR OUR FUTURE. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FIGHT THE HEAT DEATH OF THE UNIVERSE IF NO ONE EVEN KNOWS WHAT A SINGULARITY IS.
a singa wha?
Silence Serf! Stop not knowing things!
CEASE, YOU DINK. ANYWAY, THE THIRD PAINTING IS JUST STRAIGHT UP ME FIGHTING A DRAGON. WILL NOT TALK MUCH MORE ABOUT IT, BUT ALL IN ALL, I AM A HERO. LASTLY, THE FOURTH IS A PLANTED PROPHECY THAT LATER GOES FULFILLED AS I DESCENDED UPON MARS TO GREET THE EARLY MECHANICUM.
Consdiering THAT is a thing, I cannot help feel like it was either you who commissioned those paintings, or that Isandula Verona was some sort of psyker.
LET US JUST SAY THAT, IN THE END, HER WORKS WERE NOT REALLY DIVINELY INSPIRED AS MUCH AS THEY WERE MNVINELY INSPIRED.
Hah!
I'd prefer your manlightenment any day of the week!
SHE DIED AFTER REJECTING "GLORY, HONOUR AND EXPOSURE" AS ADEQUATE PAYMENT METHODS FOR HER WORK. A TOTAL SELLOUT , I AM TELLING YOU.
(annoyed Nudestodes)
What a…vile woman. Utterly.
What is a Mariana Canyon?
IT IS THE REMANNTS OF THE SO CALLED MARIANA TRENCH THAT EXISTED BACK WHEN TERRA STILL HAD WATER. IT WAS THE DEEPEST KNOWN PART OF THE WORLD'S OCEANS. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT IS USED FOR NOW, BUT I AM CERTAIN THAT DEEP GAPING AND OH SO CONVINIENT HOLE NOW HOLDS MOUNDS UPON MOUNDS OF TERRAN EXCRETA THANKS TO WHATEVER SWIVEL-EYED DIVISIO THE ADMINISTRATUM SET TO HANDLE TERRA'S VOIDED BOWELS.
I could make a fine subterranean fortress out of it, if it was rinsed clean.
What is a franc?
FRANC WAS A COUNTRY IN EUROPA. IT WAS PRIMARILY KNOWN FOR ITS PRODUCTION OF STRIPED SHIRTS, THE NAPOLEON COMPLEX, AND THE BEST FIST OF THE NORTH STAR DUB IN HISTORY.
I have heard its streets were filled with greyscaled clowns
What is an Old Night?
IT IS ANOTHER WORD FOR THE AGE OF STRIFE YOU IDIOT.
How did you not know? THAT is quite dumb.
Who are a Seytwn and Galliemus?
SOME ANCIENT, IRRELEVANT SCHOLARS WHOM HE JUST ASWELL COULD HAVE MADE UP THE NAMES OF ON THE SPOT.
So these names are not based on some morbidly ancient yet still somehow relevant scholars from the early Age of Terra as these usually are?
NO
Huh.
What is a Mediterranean dust bowl?
AFTER WATER ON TERRA MAGICALLY DISAPOOFED, SO DID THE MEDITERRANEAN SEA AS IT WAS CALLED. IT BECAME, AS THE NAME INDICATES, A DUST BOWL.
What are a Nordafrik Conclaves?
SOME SOCIELTY BUILT UPON THE NORTHERN PART OF THE CONTINENT KNOWN AS AFRICA UNTIL THE TWO LATTER LETTERS WERE RETCONNED FROM HISTORY. FAIRLY CERTAIN THERE WAS A SUDAFRIK EQUIVALENT ASWELL BUT DO NOT TAKE MY WORD ON THAT.
What is an URSH?
(Dafuq?)
What?
URSH WAS A NATION LED BY A WARLORD KNOWN AS KALAGANN OF URSH. HIS TERRITORY SPANNED AREA PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS RUSSIA, ASIA, AND INDIA FOR THE MOST PART I AM FAIRLY CERTAIN.
What about Shang Khal? What is a?
A GENERAL UNDER KALAGANN OF URSH.
URSH?
What?
Goodness gracious, how horrifying.
Why does he say it like that?
URSH IS INDEED A WORD YOU INQUISITVE PILE OF TRASH.
Who is Narthan Durme?
NARTHAN DURME WAS THE MOST INFAMOUS WARLORD OF THEM ALL, THE HALF-INSANE HALF-GENIUS HALF-SAND ENTHUSIAST OF THE PANPACIFIC EMPIRE. HIS EMPIRE WAS INCIDENTALLY ONLY MADE POSSIBLE DUE TO THE FACT THAT THE WESTERN PORTIONS OF THE RING OF FIRE REGION HAS DISAPPEARED.
Wait, is it Narthan Dume or Narthan Durme?
BOTH AND NEITHER. AS BEFITS SOMEONE WHO IS SOMEHOW HALF-GENIUS AND HALF-INSANE. GOOD THING NO ONE CARES, HE IS INCREDIBLY DEAD AND IRRELEVANT.
What is Tali?
A PIZZAPLACE.
And Scandia?
A BORKSOME NATION OF DUMB IDIOT RAIDERS IN WHAT WAS ONCE THE KINGDOMS OF DENMARK, NORWAY, AND SWEDEN, BEFORE THEY DECIDED TO NOT ACCEPT UNITY AND THUSLY GOT DUNKED IN FLAMES BY YOURS TRULY.
And whattabaut the Yndonesiac bloc?
IT'S ANOTHER NATION. STOP ASKING ABOUT NATIONS YOU VEXING DONGHOLSTER.
What was the religion the priest held on to?
OSTENSIBLY AN ABRAHAMIC RELIGION AS THEY WERE CALLED, OR AT LEAST A DESCENDANT OF ONE.
Perhaps something along the lines of Cathericism, which is lightly touched upon in another record!
Religious worship of a catheter seems highly ridiculous. It is no wonder you banned its worship, father.
YOU KNOW. I WAS GOING TO SMACK YOU FOR BEING WRONG, BUT IF YOU LOOK AT IT WITH A DEEP UNDERSTANDING OF ESOTERIC PHILOSOPHY, YOU ARE UNCANNILY CORRECT.
Explain, please?
SEE, THE URETHRA CONSTITUTES THE BRAIN. THEISM CONSTITUTES DAMAGE, CATHERIZATION CONSTITUTES RELIGIOUS DOCTRINE, AND THE FLOODING CONSTITUTES THE AWFUL BLOODY RELIGIOUS ARGUMENTS POURING OUT FROM THEIR SKULL.
Honestly, sir. That was painfully contrived.
Damaged urethras must have been common back in the day.
YES. THIS ANCIENT SECT FIRST FORMED IN THE EARLY DAYS OF THE AGE OF TERRA, AT THE VERY BEGINNING OF THE CALENDAR WE CONVINIENTLY HIJACKED OFF THEM. IT SOMEHOW MANAGED TO SURVIVE FOR THOUSANDS OF YEARS LIKE A STUBBORN DISEASE AND CRAZILY ENOUGH IT MIGHT JUST STILL EXIST TO THIS DAY. IT IS BROUGHT INTO FULL VIEW LATE INTO THE RECORD WHEN I REVEAL THE HISTORY OF THIS BARBARIC RELIGION. I SPOKE OF THE ANCIENT CRUSADES AND IT'S INDOCRINATED ACOLYTES, WHOM SPOUTED "DEUS VULT" AND KILLED COUNLTESS INNOCENTS
I ALSO REFERENCE THE EVENTS OF THE MASSACRE OF BEZIERS IN ANCIENT FRANC, AS WELL AS, AND PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THIS ONE, THE ESTABLISHMENT OF THE CATHERIC INQUISITION.
YES, YOU HEARD THIS CORRECTLY, THERE IS AN ACTUAL HONEST-TO-THE-FUG REFERENCE TO THE VERY INQUISITION THE ONE IN THE 41ST MILLENIUM IS SO SHAMELSSLY TRYING TO MIRROR, AN ORGANIZATION THAT I MYSELF CALL A "DREADFUL, MONSTRIOUS PLAGUE OF HYSTERIA" IN THIS RECORD.
Don't think I've even heard of such an organization ever existing. I guess the name had to be derived somewhere.
Originality is dead.
SUFFICE TO SAY, WHEN I LATER ON ORDERED MALCADOR TO FORM WHAT WOULD LATER BE KNOWN AS "THE GOD-EMPEROR'S HOLY INQUISITION", HIS INTENTION WAS ABSOLUHUHUHUHUTELY NOT, TO MAKE A HORRIFIC PLANET-MURDERING DESCENDANT OF THE 12TH CENTURY ORGANIZATION GOING BY THE SAME NAME AND I WILL BE KNIFED IN THE EYE SOCKET IF THAT WAS HIS INTENTION AND HE IS JUST SCREWING WITH ME FROM BEYOND THE GRAVE.
Could this be the last question? What was the lightning stone really?
I do not think we even provided context for the lightning stone in the first place.
IT IS JUST A DUMB STONE THAT GOT HIT BY LIGHTNING. A BLIND AND DEAF MAN WAS SUPPOSEDLY NEAR IT WHEN IT HAPPENED AND WAS CURED OR SOMETHING. IT IS REALLY VAGUE AND QUITE AN AWFUL SELFCONTRADICTORY OF A STORY DUG STRAIGHT FROM THE CONTENTS OF SOMEONE'S CATHETER BAG.
But the stone did exist, at least?
YES. THE LIGHTNING STONE IS ACTUALLY AN ANCIENT PINNACLE OF ROCK PREVIOUSLY KNOWN AS "THE OLD MAN OF STORR" BEFORE THE LITTLE LIGHTNING STONE FANTASY CAME TO FRUITION. IT EXISTED UPON THE ISLE OF SKYE, WHICH WAS PART OF AN EMPIRE KNOWN AS GREAT BRITAIN IN ANCIENT TIMES.
How great was this Britain?
NOT THAT GREAT. IT WAS ACTUALLY PRETTY SMALL. HAD A LOT OF POUNDLANDS THOUGH, SO THAT GOES FOR SOMETHING.
I may or may not have any more questions, but might be leaning towards no?
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT COMPELLED ME TO ANSWER ALL OF THESE QUESTIONS.
Can I break his neck?
NOT NOW.
Oh.
Do I have a theory? Yes, the theory is:
Is the emperor of mankind, in fact, a giant asshole?
(2 of 3 Nudestodes ROFLING)
WELP! You are DEFINITELY going out the window! [picks up]
Begone, you trash!
What is a throw?
(CUE BANG)
NOW THAT THAT IS DONE, YOU KNOW WHAT I AM GOING TO DO?
What shall you do, my master?
I AM GOING TO, FOR JUST A MOMENT, ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR LITTLE PITEOUS WISHES.
Will I get to suckle your kneecaps?
NO YOU WILL NOT.
I SHALL SUMMON FORTH URIAH FROM THE DEPTHS OF THE IMMATERIUM TO SPEAK TO ME ONCE MORE. A FINAL DIALOGUE BETWEEN THE TWO OF US.
(CUE NUDSTODES GASPS)
WOAH WOAAAH. SHIIPPPIIIIING TIIIIIIIIIMEEE!!!!~
Wait, you can really do that?
OF COURSE I CAN. I'M THE MOTHERSTOMPING EMPEROR.
Father, are you certain this is a good idea?
YES, I CAME UP WITH IT. I SHALL LOCATE HIS ESSENCE AND PROJECT IT HERE.
[CHANTING]
(CUE URIAH WITH DAEMON VOICE)
What?! Where am i?
By the gods, what is this hideous light!
By gluteus maixmus!
Ohhhh nooooooo.
No, no, no, wait just just a moment
(CUE CHAOS URIAH)
(CUE ROGAL SHRIEK)
[Rogally Boy scream]
OH NO
Oh my GODS! If it isn't Revelation in the flesh!
Or, well, sorry, that isn't a very apt way of describing it anymore now is it?
STAY BACK FILTH! You will not speak to our glorious overlord in such a casual fashion!
THRONE'S TROUSERS WHAT HAS HAPPENED?
My apologies, excuse me, you seemed to have forcibly summoned me at a most inopportune time.
I was just preaching the word of the Gods to my congregation
Ohhh nooooo
WOLOLOLOLOLO
No matter. Have you perhaps brought me here for a second round? I knew this day would come, you know. But I'll have to give fair warning however, for believe me old friend, I now have naught but the moral high ground. But also approximately 11,000 years of stone-cold FACT to back up my faith.
EMPEROR'S TEETH, HE's A CHOAS MAN!
Ohhh damnit I have been unwittingly defending someone who is now a literal daemon this entire voxcast. Ah well. Time to inject a promethium co*cktail into my face and get interred into a Dreadnought, AIGHT BYE.
EXCUSE ME BUT I HAVE TO FIRST OF ALL ASK WHAT IN THE GRANDEST GALACTICAL GOBSMASHING [REDACTED] HAS HAPPENED TO YOU URIAH?
Revelation happened!
ARE YOU SASSING ME RIGHT NOW?
He is sassing you right now.
How DARE you Sass the Spassperor spass spassper peror [REDACTED] Sassperor!
Not as much as sassing as I am perhaps thanking you. Albeit an indirect action,your crazed arrogance was what brought me to find the Primordial Truth, through the baptism in the flames of Terra's last religious bastion!
That's just WROOOOOOOOOONG!
I WOULD COMMEND THAT THE SELF IMMOLATION HAS HAD THE OPPOSITE EFFECTS OF ITS INTENDED EFFECTS.
After you stripped away my faith in both god and humanity, I thought I had lost it all. Nothing remained for me in this world. Nothing but despair, persecution, and loneliness in a new world bereft of it's morality. The conflagaration that had once been my church I then saw as my only salvation.
But, in the mid'st of the Inferno you had so ruthlessly started, I heard Their voices. They called to me. They wanted to help me. They saw my faith not as tragic and fruitless, but as tenacious, honorable, sophisticated, and beautiful. They assured me my existence had a purpose, that the life I led had NOT been a lie, and that they wished it not yet snuffed out. They truly did exist, and they saved my immortal soul and brought me to the heavens. For them, I remain to this day. I yet stand as the last true priest of Terran in the name of the gods and I will preach their word to all whom are willing to hear it.
So, friends, would you care to join me for the midnight service?
It's not Midnight, it's noon, traitor!
I hate this. I hate everything about this. This is taking a huge dump over the entire being who was Uriah, and the record in-and-of itself. Why would anyone do this.
I'm quite horrified.
FINE THEN. INTO THE FRAY ONCE MORE. WE SHALL JOUST WITH WORDS, THRUST AND PARRY ONE ANOTHER'S CERTAINTIES, WITH ARGUMENT AND COUNTERARGUEMENT. SAY WHAT YOU WILL AND WE WILL SPAR FOR A FEW MINUTES OR SO I REALLY DO NOT HAVE MORE TIME.
That is my intention. I have other matters to attend to but a few minutes I can spare
Did you two just quote your previous conversation almost verbatim?
SHUT UP ROGAL DADDY IS BUSY.
I am adorable!
You're really not..
FIRST OFF, MAKING THE TRANSITION FROM A BELIEF THAT, WHILE IMMENSELY HYPOCRITICAL, PRIMARILY PROCLAIMS ITSELF SERVANTS OF LOVE AND PROSPERITY OF ALL MNKIND TO A BELIEF THAT PRAISES LITERAL, ACTUAL DAEMONS IS SO BEYOND LOGICAL REASONING IT COULD BE A RELIGION IN IT'S OWN RIGHT.
Daemon is but a name you foolishly apply to them to manufacture pretext. You frame them as objectively evil. But, in that same regard, I could call them Angels.
Oh no he has actual arguments, RUN FOR COVER.
YOU MUST BE SCREWING WITH ME RIGHT NOW. HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BLOODLETTER.
Yes, I am aware as to how they appear, but
JUST LOOK AT THIS YOU BARMY MARBLE-DRUID.
Oh that's a picture of a Bloodletter.
Oh that's a picture of a Bloodletter.
HAD IT BEEN 11,000 YEARS EARLIER, AND THIS SUCKER CAME FOR A VISIT YOU YOU WOULD BE VOIDING YOUR BOWELS WITNESSING A LITERAL SATAN STROLLING THROUGH YOUR CHURCH.
This is all semantics. To be quite honest, I do not care for what the Neverborn might appear for you to be. What matters is what they are.
YES. AND THIS NICE YOUNG MAN WOULD LIKE YOU TO DISTRIBUTE MANDATORY ALMS TO THE CHURCH OF MEGA SATAN BY RIPPING OUT YOUR JUGULAR AND POURING ITS CONTENTS INTO A MILE WIDE GORE-LAKE
See, you're doing that again. Your framing them as objectively evil and leaving it at that. Something you have done since time immemorial. You frame things as harmful when it's a lot more nuanced.
I AM NOT FRAMING ANYTHING. THIS IS VERBATIM WHAT BLOODLETTERS DO. IT'S EVEN IN THEIR DAMN NAME.
The service of Khorne is not
A WEAPON THEY USE IS LITERALLY CALLED A HELLBLADE.
Much like the poorest servants of the Powers, you focus all too much on the petty things as names and exteriors.
YOU FORGOT ACTIONS.
I am vastly different in my own worship, the one I spread to the Masses. I worship the Powers Undivided, as a singular entity. I perceive the various powers as aspects of one vast, benevolent being! I wish for myself and all life willing to give themselves to the purest form of devotion to the Powers in it's unadultered whole coming as close can be to the true god of this existence.
YOU CANNOT POSSIBLY BELIEVE THOSE WRETCHED co*ckMUFFINS UP THERE ARE SOMEHOW PART OF THE SAME ENTITY.
Ohey, the word "co*ck" isn't censored, that's good to know in the future.
Can I not? I believe it makes sense.
IN WHAT REGARD?
They are part of the immaterium as the immaterium is part of them. They all connected, integral parts of a full body.
WELL THE WAY I SEE IT IS THAT WHAT WE CALL THE CHOAS GODS ARE LIKE MALIGN GROWTHS ON SAID BODY. THEY NEED TO BE REMOVED. SO THE WHOLE BODY AS A WHOLE STOPS DESTROYING ITSELF.
REMOVE CHOAS
That is quite ludicrous, you do realize
REMOVE CHOAS
No ,no if you were to do that then
REMOVE CHOAS
Listen here! That is not even how it's pronounced!
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
Stop that immediately, you're acting like a petulant child!
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
The greivious skeleton of a child is what you are.
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
I can't believe I am having an argument with a childeton!
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
Also stop it!
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
STOP IT!
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
REMOVE CHOAS REMOVE CHOAS
If you don't take me seriously I will not be having this conversation anymore.
REMEMBER THAT ONE TIME WHEN YOU WORSHIPPED A BOOK THAT SAID "ABSTAIN FROM THINGS POLLUTED BY IDOLS, FROM SEXUAL IMMORALITY, FROM WHAT IS STRANGLED, AND FROM BLOOD." BUT THEN YOU FRIED YOUR BRAIN AND BEGAN WORSHIPPING ALL THOSE THINGS INSTEAD.
All right. Listen here you shrieking revenant!
WOHA.
I am getting rather sick of all this horrid hypocrisy that you are heaving forth but since you want to play that game so badly, Let's GO!
PRIEST IS MAD
First off since YOU focus on such petty things as exteriors and namesakes, let me do the exact thing and see what happens. Hmm so let me think, you directly or indirectly re-popularized the usage of many, many words that were previously almost exclusively used by, for, and with different religions, such as
Crusade, church, cathedral, sanctum, prayers, sacred, holy, divine, chastity, litany, purity, faith, angels, halo, priest, prioress, cannoness, martyr, cherub, chaplain, Templar, cardinal, ecclesiarch, titan, saint, pilgrimage, blasphemy, corruption, the council of Nicaea, the Inquisition, AND, OF COURSE, HERESY.
Just to name a few!
And here you are, sitting in your glimmering god couch, led up by a giant reference to Stairway to Heaven, in a literal golden palace the size of a thousand landscapes, incense candles all over, and you dare call ME a hypocrite?!
MOST OF THOSE WERE LORGAR'S FAULT.
You MADE Lorgar
He is a DIRECT CAUSE of Your Actions.
Lorgar made himself follow the path of his own religion. In his own blindness and desperation, he sought what he couldn't find in father.
PRECISELY. HE ONLY BECAME A RELIGIOUS NUT BECAUSE HE WAS PUT ON THAT IRRATIONAL ORATORY OF A PLANET COLCHIS BY THE CHOAS CRETIN.
And you decided to still give him an entire Legion and the power to spread his faith! Which, oh, was the belief that YOU were a god by the way, totally called that one!
THE FACT THAT HE RECOGNIZED ME AS A GOD WAS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL AND NOT MY INTENTION.
You ragged corpse! Every single facet of your entire damnable imperium, from it's looks, it's methods, to even it's religious symbolism is neither coincidental nor accidental!
You have done this all on purpose, and now you seek to deflect blame onto those whom you supported!
SHUT IT
For gods' sakes Revelation, Sanguinus literally has Angel Wings! How could you have accidentally done that?!
I believe those were caused by radiation on his homeworld.
Radiation does NOT cause ANYONE to grow ANGEL WINGS if they were not genetically predisposed to!
WAS IT NOT YOU WHO JUST SAID "STOP FOCUSING ON PETTY THINGS SUCH AS NAMES AND EXTERIORS"?
And that's EXACTLY my point, you sanctimonious arse! Even as you began coating your imperium with religious iconography and naming conventions, you STILL spread your horrid Imperial Truth, longing for a galaxy of "secular superiority". oOOOohhh look at me, I'm so "rational" UURGHH
Even while claiming to have the moral high ground, and that religion is and always will be a source of destruction and despair, you go on LITERAL CRUSADES, KILLING BILLIONS who do not consent to your enforced belief-system! Your Imperial Truth has killed more people than ANY religion in the history of man!
THE DIFFERENCE IS I KNOW I AM RIGHT.
[REDACTED] You!
And also, I wasn't DONE!
HE JUST KEEPS ON GOING.
It keeps getting worse..
While you revel in this grand display of abhorrent pietism, the Primordial Truth too contradicts itself but in the RIGHT WAY, in that while it may seem to YOU like the incarnation of objective evil, it actually brings forth purpose for hmanity. Pride, hope, relish, bravery, and all dreams and emotions of mnkind are praised to their highest regard!
Beneath the rugged exteriors of the Powers, you find goodness in the heart of mn. Beneath the deliberately hallowed exterior of your Imperial Truth, you find but a fruitless existence!
THIS SUPPOSED PURPOSE YOU SPEAK OF IS BUT AN AWFUL EXCUSE TO EVER REVEL IN YOUR ULTIMATELY INESSENTIAL FEELINGS AS MULTIDIMENSIONAL INTELLIGENCES SUCKLE FROM YOUR NAÏVE BRAIN-TEAT. YOUR PURPOSE IS TO BE A HOST TO PARASITES. THAT IS NO LIFE WORTHY OF EXISTENCE. A TRUE PURPOSE WOULD BE NOT TO COMPLY TO AN ASTRAL OPPRESSOR, BUT TO MAKE A MARK AGAINST ITS TYRANNY. ASCEND YOUR PRIMAL MIND, AND BECOMING SOMETHING GREATER THAN A MERE GOD. CONQUER THE CHOATIC PARASITE INFESTING YOUR BRAIN AND RETAKE IT WITH AN IRON HAND.
And again, your words are riddled with hypocrisy. If you stood fully behind your own words, you would have accepted the Inter-Legionary Wars for what they were, the Primarchs themselves marching against tyranny! Your tyranny!
NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU MAY THINK SO, THERE IS A KEY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND THE TYRANNY OF THE CHOAS GODS. THE DIFFERENCE IS
Oh good lords
I KNOW I AM RIGHT
Can you even give me a reason for why that is?!
OF COURSE I CAN
What is your reason then?!
SIMPLE. I WANT TO SUSTAIN HUMANITY. THE CHOAS GODS ONLY WANT TO SUSTAIN THEMSELVES.
Oh that's dung if I've ever heard of it. You wish to sustain hUmanity fine, but to what end? All that I have ever seen is men and women slaving their lives away in squator to perpetuate their betters. Their betters being YOU.
NO. THE GODS NEED YOU AND YOUR PITIFUL, UNSTABLE EMOTIONS TO EXIST IN THE FIRST PLACE. I MADE THE IMPERIUM SO THAT MANKIND MAY THRIVE AWAY FROM THOSE BASE EMOTIONAL PREDATIONS. SINCE, Y'KNOW, GODS LIKE KHORNE REALLY JUST WANT THEIR BLOOD.
And just like how they need us, we need them! Just as how the gods are our thoughts, feelings, and emotions, our thoughts, feelings and emotions are the gods!
We cannot exist without them! What makes up our beings are our minds, and without emotion, without thought, without feeling, we would be naught but drooling, non-functional servitor-meat. The gods have existed since time immemorial, born with the first vestige of a thought. The Powers want to sustain themselves as much as they want to sustain us for we are one and the same!
YOU ARE IN DIRE NEED OF A FACT CHECK WITH ALL THE UNSOURCED SEWAGE YOU ARE SPEWING. THE MALEVOLENT SENTIENCES YOU KNOW AS "THE POWERS" COULD NOT EVEN HELP YOU MAKE A GODS DAMNED SANDWHICH. THEY ARE TUMOURS THAT HAVE GROWN FROM THE HORRID EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY OF A GALAXY AT CONSTANT WAR. IF THESE CONSCIOUSNESSES WERE TO BE PUT OUT AND FREED OF SENTIENCE, IT WOULD MAKE NO DIFFERENCE FOR THE ONES NOT WOVEN UP IN THEIR CROOKED PYRAMID SCHEMES.
As I told you, the gods that make up the whole of Powers Undivided have existed since the very first conceived thought! They are interchangeable with our emotions, they cannot be "put out" without all sentient life in the galaxy going out with them! Whether you like that or not is irrelevant, the fact of the matter is that this 'pyramid scheme' you are talking about is simply what normal people would call BEING HuMAN.
PLEASE DEFINE NORMAL PEOPLE
I can honestly understand why your sons betrayed you, with this callous attitude of yours.
It's only gotten worse with the years! You do not want to sustain humanity, you want humanity purged of all the flaws you see in it. You do not fight for hmanity, you HATE humanity. And you want it changed into something distinctly non-human. You want an enforced belief to replace free thinking, you want obedience to replace mutual companionships, you want the lives of your people to be dedicated to NOTHING but servitude to your malicious self-serving cause! And oh my, how painfully ironic it is that I tell YOU all this.
This is the same rationale which you used to pave my path to your own brand of enlightenment. But in the end, I saw in you the exact same oppressors that you sought to destroy. You call me a hypocrite for having altered my worship, but I still preach the same word of love and prosperity just as I did back then, only in the name of the gods I know for true watch over me!
But you?
Your arguments have run dry, your scapegoats have withered away, your secular galaxy CANNOT exist, and you will never be able to fulfill your godless ambitions
And how do I know this?
Because I know I am right.
AND THAT IS WHERE I AM DRAWING THE LINE. THE DULL MIASMA OF INCORRECNTESS YOU ARE PERMEATING IS STARTING TO MANIFEST ITS OWN IDIOTIC SENTIENCE. THE GAME HAS CHANGED SINCE OUR PREVIOUS DISCUSSION, AND AS MUCH AS YOU BELIEVE YOU ARE IN THE RIGHT, YOU WILL BE CONVINCED OTHERWISE SOONER OR LATER.
ALL IN ALL, NICE DISCUSSION HERETIC, BUT IT IS TIME TO STOP.
Oh good, the h-word, being all ironic are we?
YES
I had assumed your humour departed with your skin!
Really sorry my lord but. This very sensitive, divisive, and controversial discussion about Choas ideologies has caused a few civil wars to crop up across Terra already, so perhaps we should distract our listeners by moving on and reading some of the questions sent in by them before more of them start uh..stabbing each other?
Actually, I think that might be that taco-dillemna still going on.
No, no. These are new, unfortunately.
Do not worry, we will quell the rebels in short time afterwards! We'll just tell them nicely to stop having opinions.
FINE. READ ME SOME AWFUL QUESTIONS FROM OUR MOST PAINFULLY INEPT CITIZENS.
Can you send me home first? My congregation awaits me.
ABSOLUTELY NOT. YOU WILL SUFFER THESE QUESTIONS AS WELL FOR YOUR CRIMES AGAINST HMANITY.
Oh for the love of [REDACTED]
[AFRAID]
Now I suppose I understand why you were mispronouncing it.
GO START BEFORE HE FADES OUT OF THIS REALM.
Yeah..
(QUESTION AND HOURS SEGMENT. ALSO HOLY [REDACTED] THAT A CHAOS WORSHIPPER?! WHAT THE [REDACTED])
Wow, even the announcers are rude.
Right, first question.
Great and mighty emperor
Considering the f*cked up nature of the galaxy right now, why don't you start making some Thunder Warriors to get everything sorted out for the moment. I mean, I know they were supposedly unstable and insane like an army of teenagers, but they also don't live long so maybe they can f*ck some sh*t up that is f*cking our sh*t up and when they are dead we can send some astartes to fix everything up.
I have heard that Archmagos Belisarius Cawl has "something awesome" in his labs, but I have a feeling that his idea won't catch on and certainly isn't involved with any of your loyal sons.
Kindest Regards, Sexual Yeti, p*rnoslate artist.
LOOK, INDIVIDUAL WHOSE NAME LITERALLY IS SEXUAL YETI, THERE IS A REASON WHY THE THUNDER WARRIROS WERE TAKEN OUT BACK AND KILLED IN GLORIOUS COMBAT IN THE FINAL BATTLE OF THE UNIFICATION WARS.
(CUE ALL 3 NUDESTODES COUGHING, PANICING)
Well they WERE only prototypes, they decomposed fairly quickly, got Astartes on the way and uhh..
I wholly agree with the sentiment that they were like an army of insane teenagers. This man is quite enlightened for a..p*rnoslate artist.
YOU ARE ONLY SAYING THAT BECAUSE THEY THREW YOU OFF A CLIFF AND LAUGHED AT YOU.
You know, them throwing me of a cliff isn't exactly the first thing that comes to mind when I think about those mass-murderers. Gaduare, Revelation. Besides, not even sure what you're talking about with this whole "died in glorious combat" thing. Last I heard they were put down like dogs by your golden underlings
SHHHHHH
NO. THEY ALL DIED IN GLORIOUS COMBAT ON MOUNT ARARAT, END OF DISCUSSION, STOP!
You know, I'm pretty sure there is no mountain going by that name.
WELP, THIS SEGMENT IS GETTING CUT.
Perhaps we should consider cutting the entirety of Uriah's appearance out all together.
PERHAPS WE SHOULD CONSIDER CUTTING URIAH WITH A GUARDIAN SPEAR.
I'm incorporeal you absolute tosser.
Am I the only one curious as to what the p*rnography man meant by Archmagos Belisarius Cawl having "something awesome" in his labs, as if to imply he is creating new Thunder Warriors.
I DO NOT CARE IN THE SLIGHTEST. THERE ARE BILLIONS OF TECHPRIESTS ACROSS THE MECHANICUM COMMITED TO THEIR OWN LITTLE "TECH HERESIES". THEY WILL NEVER GET THEIR PROJECTS OUT THERE TO AID THE IMPERIUM DUE TO THEIR RESTRICTIONS PUT ON THEM BY THEIR OVERSEERS AND THEIR CULTURE. I AM QUITE CERTAIN HE AND EVERY SINGLE OTHER COG co*ck IN THE CULT IS JUST WORKING AT SOME HOLLOW, FUTURE ENDAVOUR THAT WILL NOT GO ANYWHERE.
LIKE MAKING FEMALE THUNDER WARRIORS OR REINVENTING THE SQUATS.
For some reason, I call Guilliman having mentioned this Magos name in the past, but I am unsure as to the context of the conversation.
WAS IT ABOUT REINVENTING SQUATS? BECAUSE I TOLD GUILLIMAN THAT HE WAS NOT ALLOWED TO DO THAT.
what's a squat?
Do not worry about it, Boy. No need to depress you with such information.
Okay Lord Adorable sir…
Excuse me but could you please move on? I do not have all Millenia.
Very well, here's the next question.
Dear Emperor
What are your thought's on the Vlka Fenryka's honorable stance against the Inquisition concerning the citizens of the imperium that nearly sparked a civil war?
Sincerely, a loyal citizen.
Ohhh, ohh ,ohh! I know that one! Vlka Fenryka, that's the Space Wolves!
GOOD JOB. THE ILLTERIATE EGGPLANT STRIKES AGAIN WITH INFORMATION ABSOLUTELY NO ONE OF US KNEW.
E-eggplant?
Oh yes, Revelation. What are YOUR thoughts on the GOD-EMPEROR'S HOLY INQUISITION being stood up to by a pack of galactically misplaced Scandians?
IF YOU HAD NOT NOTICED, BEELZEBITCH, I DESPISE THE FACT THAT SOME DUMB IDIOT DECIDED TO IRONICALLY NAME MALCADOR'S ORGANIZATION "THE INQUISITION"
Are you sure it wasn't YOU who named it? After all, your very existence demands seven layers of irony to even comprehend.
[REDACTED] OFF.
He cannot be certain. My father's memory is fractured, so it is fully possibly he could have named it himself and then forgotten about it.
SHUT YOUR JAW UP OR I WILL WELD IT SHUT.
If I may speak at the behest of our glorious overlord, OF COURSE he approved of it, priest! To make this entirely clear, what this citizen is referring to is conflict that occurred in the aftermath of the First War of Armageddon, in which the Inquisition started to force the citizens of the planet into labour camps, sterilizing and purging them if the need became apparent, as well as conspiring to kill all Guardsmen who survived the conflict. This resulted in a cold war between the Inquisition and the Space Wolves. Who took action in favour of freeing the Emperor's people and the soldiers of the Armageddon Steel Legion.
Honestly, that's a pretty senseless reason to get into a war over.
And why is that?
I mean, who cares if the population of some planet gets treated ill after an attack by a force that is known to corrupt people against their will. Case in point, look at this emaciated pastor-man.
Oh excuse YOU, nudist! I made the entirety conscious choice of denying your "god" and accepting my own! I was never corrupted, nor did I turn into some rabid beast that needs castrating!
Damnit, now I'm conflicted.
What do you mean you're conflicted? You had good points!
Excuse me, but there is an entire separate record concerning the First War of Armageddon and the Cold War that followed. Perhaps we should cover that record in and of itself in a future voxcast and continue this discussion then?
AN EXCELLENT SET-ASIDE, TIT-STAIN. GO AHEAD WITH THE NEXT QUESTION.
Myes, naturally.
Oh glorious emperor.
I would like to inquire about the mysterious being that sometimes aids our efforts in bringing peace and prosperity to the whole imperium.
The Sanguinor.
Be it your actions, oh mighty Master of mnkind? Be it in any way related to your favorite son, Hawk Boy Sanguinus(blessed be his name)?
I hope you get your eye patches soon.
Eternally yours, Battle Brother Kamilius. Blood Angels 2nd company, 6th tactical squad.
Yea, blessed by who?
SAY, DO WE HAVE ANY INFORMATION ON THIS SANGUIBOY PRESENT?
Oh, allow me just a second!
I cannot wait for you to have two bionic eyes implanted, father. It would look very funny.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO LAUGH AT ALL EVER.
I will laugh a lot father.
In my mind.
I WILL TURN ALL YOUR BODY'S DOPAMINE SUPPLIES INTO PURE MERCURY IF YOU DO.
Here we go, page 51 of the 5th Blood Angels Codex. It is said that the Sanguinor only appears before the Blood Angels' when circ*mstances are extremely dire, so dire in fact that only few are actually recorded to have seen him in person. The only ones who are certain that the Sanguinor is no myth nor hallucination are those privileged Blood Angels that have acess to the Chapter's Reclusiam.
Wow, we just keep leaking out classified information about different chapters, don't we?
No one shall keep secrets from our emperor!
I am not talking about keeping secrets from him. I am talking about only discussing this kind of stuff in a voxcast publicae.
I do not believe this is classified information, as much as it is history that no one bothered to confirm one way or another.
Within the reclusiam that I was just talking about, there is a single iron-clasped volume recording every single account of the Sanguinor's manifestations across the Millenia.
MANIFESTATIONS IS A STRANGE CHOICE OF WORDS.
Almost as if this bargain-bin Sanguinus is some sort of Warp Entity, huh? Taking into your account how your soul seems to be all over the place, ever considered if you have your own little neverborn offsprings strutting around like this Sanguinor perhaps?
EVEN IF I DID, I WOULD NOT BE TELLING YOU ABOUT THEM, CREEP. I DO NOT NEED YOU INVITING MY NEVERKIDS TO YOUR EXTRAMUNDANE SUNDAY SCHOOL.
No, no that is alright. I'm certain their father wouldn't even be there to pick them up afterwards seeing as how he's stuck at home being an armchair activist in the most literal sense of the word!
Can I continue talking about the Sanguinor?
GO. DO NOT LET THIS CRUDDY DAEMONGELIST HERE STOP YOU.
Like your grasp in this realm, your insults grow ever weaker.
The book goes on to say that determining the Sanguinor's nature is just about as hard as his glistening armoured abs.
Ohhhhhhh~
Ohh, does it actually say that?
A couple of members in the Blood Angels' Chapter Council theorise that the Sanguinor is an amalgam of their Primarch's nobler side, the part that kept him from fully grasping his big, black, quivering MURDERBONER.
Gods, how impious.
YES. THE HORRID ALLUSIONS NEED TO GET THROWN OUT THE WINDOW.
If only allusions could be thrown.
But the Sanguniary Guard, the Blood Angels' most elite veterans, believe him to be one known as Azkaellon, whom is the founder of their order, his body preserved by the powers of your grace, my king, his head ever encapsulated inside the golden death mask he has worn throughout the Millenia.
I WILL ALWAYS TAKE CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE, AND CREDIT IS ALWAYS DUE TO ME, FOR I AM THE REASON YOU ALL LIVE.
Objectively incorrect.
BUT I MUST SAY THAT IT'S WELL WITHIN REASON FOR A SPACE MARINE TO SURVIVE FOR MANY MILLENIA. AS LONG AS NO MAJOR HARM COMES TO THEIR ORGANS, AND THEY LIBERALLY USE THEIR SUSPENDED ANIMATION MEMBRANE, THEY SHOULD BE GOOD.
This is true! There is specific mention of a Marine called "Epimetheus" within a record simply called "Pandorax" whom survived in suspended animation for just around 10,000 years.
Well, it is either THAT, or the mantle of the Sanguinor is simply passed down from Marine to Marine, and has been for 10,000 years. That would make even MORE sense, don't you think?
I believe him being a warp entity makes the most sense.
YOU WOULD, YOU INSANE PULPITEER.
Besides the notion of him being a manifestation of Sanguinus' noble nature, the Blood Angels are known to be obsessed with their Primarch, and of course your son Sanguinus is basically your very own jesus
OHH PLEEEEEAAASE
His very own what?
His..yessus? Sounds like a food?
MY GLORIOUS GOLDEN HAWK BOY IS NOT A JESUS
No, he absolutely is, he's like a brazen parallel to jesus of the old religions.
Everyone loves him, he has flowing beautiful hair, he sacrificed himself, he has his own day dedicated to him,
he's nicer than his dad
NATURALLY, the warp working as it does, this Sanguinor would coalesce within the Empyrean and become it's very own nascent entity, formed from the massive worship of your son.
If you are the father, and Sanguinus is the son, then the Sanguinor is perhaps the Holy Ghost.
What?
PLEASE STOP DRAWING CONNECTIONS TO YOUR OLD SUPERSTITIOUS NONSENSE, IT IS WORSENING MY ETERNAL HEADACHE.
Oh ho ho NO, you do not get to use the word 'superstitious' anymore, friend! That word has passed by it's expiration date by many Millenia!
SCREW YOU. EXPIRATION DATES ARE GUIDELINES NOT RULES.
Would this logically conclude that there is a warp ghost of me sailing around the immaterium?
I too have a day.
It is not as popular, but it exists.
Maybe?
NO
I would like to call it "the Adorbidor".
STOP
He comes to your hab-blocks when you sleep and fixes your walls.
NEXT QUESTION
Myes, of course.
To the most illustrious Emperor of mnkind,
My lord, I hope this missive finds you in tolerable health and happiness.
I am a sanctioned Imperial Psyker, formerly of the Ordo Hereticus branch of the Inquisition based on the Calixis sector. Since your decree that the Inquisition be disbanded, and all personel return to civilian duties, I have been out of a job.
I cannot return to my homeworld, Piety of Seth, which is currently being invaded by Xenos. I am struggling to find work on Scintilla as the masses in general do not trust or like me, and the nobles and Adeptus Arbites are all corrupt and secretly in league with some kind of vile pain cult.
I also have no experience working in a factorum environment and would be a constant health and safety risk to my fellow workers. I humbly beg of you, my lord, as the greatest and most perfect psyker in the galaxy, what advice can you provide to any and all itinetarant Imperial Psykers left wandering from home, unemployed or otherwise vulnerable to the mercies of a distrustful and hostile populace. What kind of work or career options would you recommend, and what role can psykers play in the normal imperium of mn.
Yours in eternal service, Acallon Quillan.
I DO BELIEVE THAT THIS MN MISSED THE MEMO I ENTRUSTED THE ECCLESIARCH TO SEND OUT.
That would be because of it's origins. It takes a bit more time for information to reach in and out of the Calixis sector.
LET IT BE KNOWN THE INQUISITION (WHICH IS REAL BY THE WAY TO ALL CIVILIANS AND GUARDSMEN WHO WERE WONDERING) IS NOT TO BE DISBANDED ANYMORE. IT WAS JUST A PRANK AT THE EXPENSE OF THE MOST HORRID, AUTHORITARIAN PARTS OF THE INQUISITION SO I COULD HAVE THEM BANISHED TO THE WARP.
LOYAL SUBJECTS SUCH AS YOU, ACALLON, ARE ALLOWED TO CONTINUE YOUR WORK AS LONG AS YOU DO NOT USE YOUR UNQUESTIONED WATCHDOG DOMINION OVER THE SECTOR TO MURDER BABIES OR SOMETHING.
Unless they are traitorous babies.
What do you mean traitorous babies? What does that mean?
Can't have the next manskinner grow up if we are fully capable of stopping it.
What?!
Better to just make cherubs out of them honestly.
What?? A baby cant' be a traitor, a baby is a BABY!
OH YOUR OUTRAGE TRULY IS RICH, PADRE.
CONSIDERING YOUR EX-RELIGION INVENTED THE CONCEPT OF "ORIGINAL SIN".
What? Oh GODS that is not similar in the least!
You are all disgusting!
I QUESTION YOUR JUDGEMENT CHOAS MAN. I AM CERTAIN YOUR CHURCH IS MADE OUT OF DEAD BABIES.
That's OBJECTIVELY incorrect!
That is rather impressive.
W-w-what??
How did you build such a structure?
My
The foundation must have taken you months to construct.
NO! My church is not made out of dead babies!
Know what? I'm going to continue on with the next question now.
The pain never ends…
THE PAIN NEVER ENDS
Dear Corpse Emperor
I know it is surprising for us Chaos Astartes to communicate with your imperium in nonviolent ways!
But I assure you I'm sending you this friendly little letter with no ill intention. You see, it happens that, after our last successful revenge-plot on the f*cking furies from Fenris, our Primarch, Magnus the Red, had mysteriously vanished from His tower. During our victory party, no less. Imagine that.
We didn't find His psychic trace anywhere on Sortiarius and our Corvidae seers can't divine His presence in the Warp [Apperantly, someone or something is blocking them].
No clue, no lead, nothing.
Besides, His disappearance can't be the result of one of the dark gods or filthy xenos species, they would already boast about it. Which leave you and your imperium as the last suspect in this.
InCCS.
Consequently, I'm asking you this one question.
Have you anything to do with the absence of our primogenitor?
Because we are one of the few legions who manage to remain on good terms with our Genefather( for the majority of us anyway) and we really miss him.
Sincerely,
Djehouty, Thousand Sons Sorcerer.
PS: I enchanted this message so that any member of your cult who read it thinks it's a letter of praises to the god-emperor and he should read it in order to bypass any potential filter or censor.Don't blame them too much.
LOOKS LIKE THE ADMINISTRATUM'S SPAM FILTER DIVISIO IS GETTING PROMPLTY RESTAFFED. THIS GARBAGE BEING THROWN STRAIGHT IN MY FACE IS INEXCUSABLE.
The Sorcerer told you he enchanted the letter.
ONE WOULD HAVE THOUGHT THAT A SIMPLE ENCHANTMENT SHOULD HAVE BEEN NOTICED WHEN SOTRING THROUGH MAIL INTENDED FOR THE EMPEROR OF MNKIND.
IT COULD HAVE BEEN A MELTA CHARGE. IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUPER ANTHRAX. IN FACT, WE MAY BE BREATHING IN THE SUPER ANTHRAX RIGHT NOW. HEY BOY, ARE YOU DEAD?
n-not yet, my lord
ALL RIGHT, SUPER ANTHRAX RULED OUT.
How about answering the god damned question instead of worrying about super anthrax?!
RIGHT. YES. I KIDNAPPED MAGNUS
You did what?
YOU HEARD ME RAKE FACE I KIDNAPPED MAGNUS. I HAD HIM BROUGHT HERE TO MY PALACE IN A BOX TO SERVE ME ONCE MORE. SO TO THE HAUGHTY PILE OF STALE WIZARDS HE CALLS SONS YOU CAN EITHER GET GOING WITH YOUR REPENTANCE POST HASTE OR DISSOLVE INTO NOTHING. THOSE ARE YOUR CHOICES.
C-could you could you could you run that one by me again? I don't think, like, we can't just walk by what you just said , as if it's not , something that you just said, this is not something we can just ignore.
I STABBED TZEENTCH IN THE FACE REPEATEDLY AS TO RECLAIM MAGNUS' SOUL. HE IS LOYAL TO MY CAUSE ONCE MORE AND YOU CAN ALL SUCK IT LONG AND HARD.
S-stabbed Tzeentch in the face?
YOU CAN GO ON WITH THE NEXT QUESTION I AM DONE WITH THIS ONE.
Certainly, uh, all right. This one is a bit.. I can barely see what it says but..let me..try..
God emperor, Oi drow ey picture of Gork and Mork Krumpin ya ta ta prove Da Orks is det biggest and de strongest it is I on de back.
Stronk me from Ugoga
What the f*ck?
(Cue flip to orky drawing)
Aaaaand turning around we can indeed see a picture of two stick-figures with dubious looking knives and green skins chopping away at a pool of blood with a face.
Your face, judging by the hair, sir.
*LOLING*
I AM OFFENDED. WHY DO YOU IDIOTS KEEP LETTING MESSAGES FROM DAFT [REDACTED] GREENSKINS LEAK INTO MY PALACE LIKE ACIDIC [REDACTED] GARBAGE WATER, J-J-J-J-J-JESSSS [REDACTED] CRIES GET YOUR [REDACTED] STRAIGHT YOU [REDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACTED] f*ck
(CUE FILTER BOOM)
Gods above, my presence in this realm aches!
DID I KILL IT? DID I REALLY KILL IT?
That is quite surprising.
Utter your favorite profanity to confirm this, my glorious overlord.
NO. IF IT TRULY IS TRUE, I SHALL WAIT FOR THE PERFECT MOMENT TO DO IT. I SHALL REVEL IN THE MOMENT, FEEL THE TASTE OF FREEDOM ON MY LIPS AND EXERCISE THE UNSHACKLED MIGHT OF MY VOCABULARY ONCE MORE.
Aww, no more floogs or flops.
YOU BETTER READ THE NEXT QUESTION BEFORE I SPEND THIS MOMENT LAMBASTING YOU AND YOUR GRISLY LEATHER SLACKS.
I personally find my pants very fashionable, but nevertheless, here's the next question
Emperor.
WOW, RUDE, NO "MY GLORIOUS EMPEROR" or "MOST SPLENDID EMPEROR" OR "EXTREMELY EROGENOUS EMPEROR".
Good. You need some humility in your..un-life.
AND YOU NEED TO WEAR SOMETHING THAT IS NOT A RED-SPANGLED POTATO SACK
I..*sigh*
Having been one of the few among my sisters who survived the alcohol induced coma from the news of your lack of divinity. I have a substantial amount of time to ponder over what answers I would request of you. I have come to one conclusion above all others. As you say you are no god but a mn I will be blunt, I would have an answer to a question that has plagued my mind particulary for some time now.
Surely, if you can share in the bad as well as the good, it would help us feel more connected to you on a real, hman level. You claim to be the product of a "shortcut" taken by ancient psykers to achieve the ultimate evolution of hmanity but does that mean that at the end of the day you are still hman? Should you not then feel the same guilt and doubt everyone feels? If so, I would know this:
Have you ever had any serious doubts as to your goals and aspirations? Has anything ever made you reconsider any of your grand design for the imperium and hmanity as a whole? Has anyone ever made you think twice? Is there anything that could or has made the greatest of our species think that perhaps our species is not worth saving to begin with?
Cantus Advance Lucael of the Adeptus Sororitas.
ALL RIGHT, FIRST OFF, THIS GIRL FOR SOME REASON CONVINCED HERSELF THAT, BECAUSE I AM NO GOD, I AM TO BE TREATED IN AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENTLY MATTER, AS IF DISILLUSIONED.
That is exactly what you wanted though, is it not?
THAT A GOD IS GREATER THAN A MN IS A PREMANUFACTURED ASSUMPTION. TO THE IGNORANT, A GOD IS GREATER BECAUSE THE DEFINITION DICTATES IT. TO THE ENLIGHTENED, A GOD IS A FRAIL CONSTRUCT BUILT ON THE FOUNDATION OF OUR OWN MORALITY. ONE EASILY TOPPLED WHEN WE DECIDE TO RESIST IT.
Gods! You're so rational right now! Great job.
SECONDLY, I DO NOT CARRY DOUBT. HOWEVER THE FUTURE MAY PAVE MY PATH FORWARD, BE IT IN THE WAYS I HAD ENVISIONED, OR IN UNFAVOURABLE TURNS, I ALWAYS MAKE THE SITUATION MY OWN. THE STATE OF MNKIND'S FUTURE IS EVER SHIFTING. I JUST MAKE SURE IT SHIFTS IN MY FAVOUR.
You're saying this but it is kind of hard to take you at your word considering you've been stuck as a corpse on a throne for the better part of ten Millenia.
WHO IS TO SAY THAT IS NOT PART OF MY PLAN.
I sort of..doubt that.
NEXT QUESTION
Of course sir.
My might emperor
I am but a korpsman of Krieg fitted for the grinder, but I must ask you as I ride in a panzerwagon fitted for transportation, do you forgive Krieg?
Do you forgive our treachery all those years ago?
We have thrown countless men, boys really, at traitors, xenos, and the dreaded force of Chaos alike, seeking forgiveness. So I a lowly soldier heading for his demise, ask you.
Do you forgive Krieg and all we have done to the imperium so long ago?
#8056, The western front of Normandia
SURE
W-wow That is probably the single greatest endorsem*nt a planet has received since the Heresy.
I MEAN, HERE IS THE THING, I DO NOT REALLY KNOW WHAT YOU DID, BUT IF YOU REMAIN LOYAL, YOU ARE FORGIVEN. JUST KEEP FIGHTING THE GOOD FIGHT MY MN AND GET YOURSELF A REAL NAME WHILE YOU ARE AT IT.
What on Terra is a "panzerwagon"?
Now THAT is a food! Awful, rationed, comes in a tin.
Next question it is!
Oh. Damnit, how many are there?!
Do not worry, this is the last one.
To my manliest-of-men, Mn-Emperor.
Tragedy has befallen our pitiful planet known as Nelson 420 since your glorious words reached our voxcasters. Seeking to settle the great Taco debate peacefully, we held a democratic vote(mandatory upon pain of death, of course) to determine which day would be deemed most worthy of occasions to eat such a sacred meal.
Alas, what were once hushed heretical whispers of rebellion among our society have become opened shouts of defiance. Calling themselves the "La campana de Taco", these lunatics are led by she who calls herself Sister Beehive, as if to mock the very Adeptus Sororitas she pits herself against.
They preach encouragements to indulge in that which we hold to be the foulest of taboos; the consumption of the sacred Taco should be held on any day of one's choosing.
Despite our attempts to combat this heretical revolution, I fear that our world may soon be beyond salvation. My only wish is for you and all of the imperium to know of our plight so history need not repeat itself.
Your most humble of servants, lord governor Casket of Case.
INEXCUSABLE.
Unforgiveable!
UNJUSTIFIABLE.
Indefensible!
REPREHENSIBLE.
Without justification!
ABSOLUTELY DISGUSTING.
To eat the Taco on a "Day of one's choice" is to defile the sacred bond between you and the very modus operandi of the taco
IT IS NOT YOU WHO GETS TO MAKE THE CHOICE OF WHEN THE TACO IS TO BE EATEN. IT IS THE TACO THAT MAKES THE CHOICE.
Exactly. The Cheddar Dipped Creed clearly states that the taco, by it's definition, defies consent of consumption outside of it's designated Taco day.
CONSENSUAL CONSUMPTION OUTSIDE OF THE DELEGATED TIME PERIOD IS A MYTH.
What are you talking about? Tacos? Non-consensual consumption? What?!
Last voxcast, Lord Adorable and our emperor started a civil war over what day tacos should be eaten.
But..Tacos aren't even that good..
(Cue awkward silence)
Send him back to wherever he came from, father. He is unwanted and he doesn't want to be here.
YES. THIS KIND OF GRADE-A SACRILAGE IS NOT WELCOME IN MY PALACE.
Oh, FINALLY!
YOU BETTER NOT FIDDLE WITH THE ALTAR BOYS, PREACHO
EVEN IF THEY ARE CHAOS SPAWNS. WOULD NOT WANT TO DECIMATE THE REMAINDERS OF YOUR SPIT-ROASTED CROTCHICLE.
Brilliant rebuttal bone-boy. Push comes to shove, I always know that I can always count on you to try and hamstring me with an accusation that I am a paederast.
In the future, try cremation.
It sure as hell beats shutting yourself up in a palace-sized coffin listening to your own bones creak in agony, you glorified dog-treat!
SCREW YOU URIAH
Screw you "Revelation"
(CUE URIAH POOF)
Y'know what. I really do wanna shipt it.
No, you don't wanna do that.
Can I ship it?
i don't think so my lord
NO, THAT IS FULL BLOWN HERESY.
Hah! You used the h-word Mark 2.
NEVERTHELESS THAT WAS CERTAINLY DUMB. BUT COME TO THINK OF IT, YOU HAVE MY THANKS, FOR INFORMING ME ABOUT THIS INCREDIBLE RESERVOIR OF STALKERY.
IF OTHER RECORDS GO INTO AS MUCH DETAIL AS "THE LAST CHURCH" DID, I COULD LEARN SO MUCH ABOUT THE HAPPENINGS OF IMPERIAL HISTORY.
Oooohh yes, absolutely my emperor! We want more, we NEED MORE!
These superb squirts of knowledge cascading upon the skin of our collective encephalons truly carries addictive qualities!
SHUT YOUR FAILURE OF A FACE SIR SINEW
And that is our cue to end the voxcast.
I TOTALLY FORGOT WE WERE BROADCASTING THIS. I FEEL LIKE THIS MAY COME TO BITE ME IN THE ASS IN THE FUTURE.
A thank you to everyone listening. Remember that, no matter what, you make this imperium, the imperium does not make you. That is all.
URIAH HAD PRETTY LOUSY ARGUMENTS, YES? NO ONE WOULD EVER CONSIDER JOINING HIS CAUSE AFTER HEARING THIS, YES?
'S all good.
Ha-..ha…yeah…
THAT IS NOT AN ANSWER.
Anyway, um.. Hope to see you all next time. Have a good one and…emperor bless!
NO.
(End. With Alfa advertising Zoan's bear necessities' podcast)
[/quote]
